I had a bit of an issue recently whilst looking back through my wedding photos. I found something I didn't like. But before I get into it, it's been a while since I last blogged, so...
iiiiiiiiii had the bbbBBEEEeeEEEeeEESSSssssssstttt wedding EVEEEEEEEEER. It was all about celebrating the marriage and I loved the whole day so much. Many of the guests seemed to think it was a particularly good wedding too. Please kindly don't tell me that your wedding guests said the same if that applies to you... I want to forever live in the knowledge of the TRUE FACT that our wedding was the best, lol. But seriously, it was?!?!
And for over a year, I would every so often look back through the photos from the day and not be able to stop myself from saying, out loud, something along the lines of:
'UGHHH it was just so GOOD, loooOooOok'.
I would see nothing but how almost obnoxiously happy I looked, inwardly applaud everyone involved in all the finer details, and be taken right back to that strong sense of satisfaction and the buzzing (bee-like!) atmosphere. I would just basically gush everywhere.
I did notice, especially in the getting-ready photos, that there was quite frequently a large gap in my fringe, but I was able to let it slide.
Then it started to bother me more. If I remember correctly, my decision on the morning itself was to leave my fringe as it was, because I didn't want to be late and knew I could mostly hide the gap if I manipulated my fringe in the right way. As I remembered this, I started to regret it. I clearly didn't consider how my fringe was obviously not going to stay 'manipulated in the right way' unless someone held up a mirror in front of me all day (I wonder if any bride has ever done that?!). For the sake of 10 minutes of dunking the top of my face in water (I wasn't wearing make-up, after all!), re-drying and re-straightening, it probably would have been worth it.
But never mind, never mind.
Then I came to think about it more, and kept looking through the photos again, maybe every few weeks, then every week, then every few days... trying to tell myself 'it looked fine, it looked fine, remember how these photos used to make you feel'? But the more I looked at my fringe, the more my eyes couldn't hide from the fact that there was frequently a fringe gap in the photos. And the more I looked at the photos, the more I noticed the rest of my hair.
And I didn't like that either.
It all came to a head one day early this September, when I had taken out my wedding dress to clean it (finally). As I was taking it out, I got really happy because it's even better when I look at it in person. I did the whole photo browsing again, and noticed several things I didn't like about my hair. I let it all out to Sam in a message (he was away at the time), and said:
'I think I remember agreeing to my hair looking voluminous and then being happy with it at the time, but I think that's because there was some sort of result? Like whenever I go and get my hair cut, I'm happy initially and then I come home. So it's not exactly the hairdresser's fault (although my bridesmaids weren't 100% happy with what she did with their hairs either), but it didn't frame my face well - the half-up, half-down style that really suits me was hidden by the hair kept around my face. I always thought it was because of the veil, but it's actually because the hairdresser left too much down and curled it too much around my face. Curls are best when they are gentle at the top and bigger/tighter around the bottom, but this was like the opposite... by the end of the ceremony, the curls towards the ends of my hair were all falling out and looking scraggly. But the curls around my face were plump, which made my face look rounder. So the effect of half-up half-down wasn't there, it looked scraggly on the ends, AND I had the fringe gap. It just looked awful.'
(insert crying)
'I feel bad because for ages I've not even noticed what it looked like on the photos because I've been so blinded by how happy I looked and it would remind me how happy I felt, and obviously marrying you is way more important than anything. So it's sort of like I'm becoming less blind to it which actually isn't what I want to happen, because I want to keep the most important bit as marrying you. But it's happening anyway.'
The truth is, however, that didn't really happen. Yes I did and still do think my hair looked bad, but that hasn't changed the most important bit of the wedding. If anything, the issue of my hair has sort of helped the 'most important bit' become even more important.
Sam, of course, doesn't see anything wrong with it, but that's not the point. What I really struggled with was how the way I looked still really affected me.
I did the whole no make-up thing for many reasons (see previous blog posts!), but partly to show the world that looking fantabulous, even on your wedding day, isn't everything. Or at least that make-up doesn't necessarily equate to looking more fantabulous anyway. Sure, looking and feeling beautiful is a truly awesome part of being a bride and if you want to go all out, go all out! But the way I reacted because I didn't like my hair really caught me off guard. I realised how much I actually do care about the way I look, and not in a healthy way. I might have buried it deep, but it's there.
The problem is that this wasn't planned. Unlike deciding not to wear make-up (and knowing what shape my body was in), I didn't exactly plan to have bad hair (whether or not you agree that it was bad, it at least wasn't how I planned it!). It happened in the moment, and too much else was happening for that to sink in for a looong time.
I've pretty much come to terms with my wedding hair, but there's a lot else I still need to work on, and the way my hair was on the wedding has helped me to realise that. So that's a silver lining. And I guess the more I work on how I see myself, the better our marriage will be for it.
When all's said and done, though, the fact it took me so long to realise how much I didn't like my hair shows I've already made pretty good progress in putting our marriage first. After the initial OHHH IT LOOKED SO AWFULLLL, I was really amazed by and thankful for the fact it took me nearly a year and a half to fully notice that I didn't like my hair. As I've said, I was just so blinded by how happy I was and felt. Now when I look at the photos and my hair, I can remember how happy I was (and still ultimately am!) DESPITE my hair, which brings me even MORE joy.
I recently showed a picture from the day to my new work colleagues, and their response was sincere and heartfelt:
You look so happy!
I was happy. I am still happy. And I WILL REMAIN HAPPY :D
